There are different types of grief. I'm sure everyone experiences it differently too. Today has been an ugly grief day. I feel ugly, inside and out, everything looks ugly, I have an ugly attitude and I even smell ugly. I woke up this morning from an awful nights sleep. I was frustrated and tired from having said bad night. I can't even explain to you other than that why I feel the way I do.
Ugly grief. That's the explanation.
Today I am angry. Today it's not fair. Today I cry easily, and frequently. Today I don't want to see or be around people.
The first thing we did today was go to my grandparents to deliver a chair and I did my normal routine taking care of things for them. That was irritating for several reasons. First, it's really difficult to take my son with me. He is busy and not happy about being confined to a small space. He gets into stuff he's not supposed to and chases the cat. I'm constantly telling him to stop it, sit down, get off that, don't touch that, etc. the whole time I'm there. We both leave frustrated. Add moving furniture around to that, and well, it was bad. Then, today my grandparents were feeling particularly ungrateful. Anyone who cares for another person can relate to this. It happens frequently. When someone gets used to you doing things for them, for grow to expect it and forget to appreciate it. That leads to sometimes complaining about the way you do something, even though it's something you are doing for them. They forget that part. Normally I try to take those kinds of days and graciously leave it alone and be understanding. Today it just made my ugly day worse. I had no desire to stay there and help with anything else.
After I left there, I went to try on bridesmaids dresses. My beautiful sweet friend who's wedding I'm in lives in a different state so I had to go alone. Which was probably better anyway since it is an ugly day. I didn't want to go. This is one of the things that is related to the baby that I couldn't pack away in a box or cancel or get rid of. The dress we are wearing was picked specifically with my growing belly in mind. It's a gorgeous dress, but a very sad reminder. Now, I know that this is going to make you feel bad, but please don't. That's not at all ok! There is nothing that fixes grief. If a different dress was chosen, I would be sad to not be wearing the original dress. Nothing could fix this. And that's the brutal ugliness of grief. Our sweet memories that are created during the happy and joyful moments become poisoned darts that hit unexpectedly later on during grief. I'm still so honored and happy to be apart of this amazing day with my friend and on a non-ugly day, I will love this dress and all it represents. Today it was just one of those beautiful painful darts.
After I got home from running a few other errands and eating lunch, I saw this amazing note that my mom found in my grandma's bible.
Ugly grief. That's the explanation.
Today I am angry. Today it's not fair. Today I cry easily, and frequently. Today I don't want to see or be around people.
The first thing we did today was go to my grandparents to deliver a chair and I did my normal routine taking care of things for them. That was irritating for several reasons. First, it's really difficult to take my son with me. He is busy and not happy about being confined to a small space. He gets into stuff he's not supposed to and chases the cat. I'm constantly telling him to stop it, sit down, get off that, don't touch that, etc. the whole time I'm there. We both leave frustrated. Add moving furniture around to that, and well, it was bad. Then, today my grandparents were feeling particularly ungrateful. Anyone who cares for another person can relate to this. It happens frequently. When someone gets used to you doing things for them, for grow to expect it and forget to appreciate it. That leads to sometimes complaining about the way you do something, even though it's something you are doing for them. They forget that part. Normally I try to take those kinds of days and graciously leave it alone and be understanding. Today it just made my ugly day worse. I had no desire to stay there and help with anything else.
After I left there, I went to try on bridesmaids dresses. My beautiful sweet friend who's wedding I'm in lives in a different state so I had to go alone. Which was probably better anyway since it is an ugly day. I didn't want to go. This is one of the things that is related to the baby that I couldn't pack away in a box or cancel or get rid of. The dress we are wearing was picked specifically with my growing belly in mind. It's a gorgeous dress, but a very sad reminder. Now, I know that this is going to make you feel bad, but please don't. That's not at all ok! There is nothing that fixes grief. If a different dress was chosen, I would be sad to not be wearing the original dress. Nothing could fix this. And that's the brutal ugliness of grief. Our sweet memories that are created during the happy and joyful moments become poisoned darts that hit unexpectedly later on during grief. I'm still so honored and happy to be apart of this amazing day with my friend and on a non-ugly day, I will love this dress and all it represents. Today it was just one of those beautiful painful darts.
After I got home from running a few other errands and eating lunch, I saw this amazing note that my mom found in my grandma's bible.
She has been gone from this earth for 43 days today. My grief of losing her and our baby are kind of all wrapped up in one now. I found out I was pregnant the day that she died. I waited to tell my family I was pregnant until after their trip to her funeral. This was her 20th Great Grandchild.
This beautiful note is something that should make me feel better, but it's another beautiful poisoned dart.
Today is an ugly day.
Today I weep, I sigh, I grieve, I sob.
I know my grandma wouldn't be mad at me for that. She would hug me and tell me everything would be ok. I would believe her because I know that even though today is an ugly day, tomorrow has great potential to be a beautiful day.
After seeing this note, I decided to try to work off the pain. I do this often and it never works, but I then feel a physical pain and somehow that takes away some of the emotional pain. So I organized my garage. But that ended up being darts too.
I had to find a place to put the bassinet that was supposed to be being moved to my bedside. Touching it made me sob. I stood in the garage and held it and wept. I had to pack it away, not clean it and set it up. It's not fair.
So then I started pulling weeds. That didn't work very long because it was so physically painful. My hands and arms already ached from moving the stuff around in the garage so I couldn't do much and that made me feel week. I started hating my body for not being in better shape and that lead to hating my body for not keeping our baby alive. Horrible, painful darts. So, I gave up. I took a shower and sat down and started writing this.
Today is an ugly day.
But tomorrow will be beautiful.
This beautiful note is something that should make me feel better, but it's another beautiful poisoned dart.
Today is an ugly day.
Today I weep, I sigh, I grieve, I sob.
I know my grandma wouldn't be mad at me for that. She would hug me and tell me everything would be ok. I would believe her because I know that even though today is an ugly day, tomorrow has great potential to be a beautiful day.
After seeing this note, I decided to try to work off the pain. I do this often and it never works, but I then feel a physical pain and somehow that takes away some of the emotional pain. So I organized my garage. But that ended up being darts too.
I had to find a place to put the bassinet that was supposed to be being moved to my bedside. Touching it made me sob. I stood in the garage and held it and wept. I had to pack it away, not clean it and set it up. It's not fair.
So then I started pulling weeds. That didn't work very long because it was so physically painful. My hands and arms already ached from moving the stuff around in the garage so I couldn't do much and that made me feel week. I started hating my body for not being in better shape and that lead to hating my body for not keeping our baby alive. Horrible, painful darts. So, I gave up. I took a shower and sat down and started writing this.
Today is an ugly day.
But tomorrow will be beautiful.