"I can't even imagine what it's been like for you"
"How are you?"
"How have you been handling all this?"
"What has it been like going through all of this?"
If you had talked to me before the accident about what I thought it would be like or what I would do if this happened, I would have told you something different. I didn't expect to react the way I did or go through this the way I have. I'm sure that's true for most people who go through a crisis.
I'm normally a pretty stable person. When things get crazy, I get strong. I buckle down and handle things. I look at things logically and push the emotion aside. I'm morbidly realistic and have to remind myself to handle things with grace. All of that went out the window, for the most part. I've never faced a crisis with my husband. My best friend, the other half of me, my favorite person on the planet. The reality of having to face losing him, was almost unbearable. Actually I could call it unbearable. I didn't bear it well at all. I pushed everything down and didn't allow myself to feel or think about it. I forced myself to stay strong for him but when I wasn't in the room with him, I felt like a zombie. I couldn't sleep. I forced myself to eat. It warmed my heart to come home and have Sam be so excited to see me and give me a hug, but only briefly. I couldn't allow any feelings to happen because I knew I would fall apart. I felt stupid regularly because I would forget medical knowledge I knew and hated having to rely on the nurses to keep things straight for me. I hated every moment I had to walk out of his room. It was especially hard when I wasn't forced. I felt like I was betraying him.
It wasn't like that the whole time, but if you followed my updates, you saw the crazy roller coaster his time in the hospital was. It literally went from "Everything is great!" to "He almost died and still could....." on an all to regular basis. I couldn't celebrate the miracles that were happening because I was thinking ahead to the next down.
The worst 24 hours was February 25-26. He had gone back to the hospital after being home a couple days because a blood clot moved to his lungs. They had given him blood thinners and moved him from the ER to a regular room. Sam and I went and had breakfast with him and I went home to get things ready to bring him home. He had a team of doctors working on his case and they had an opportunity to talk to me and were confident in my ability to care for him at home. So I went home and cleaned and started taking care of things knowing I wanted to get ahead on some stuff so when he came home I'd be caught up for a few days. I got ready to go back in the afternoon to give him a shower. As I was getting in my car to leave, I got a text message from his boss. She was telling me she had gone to visit and when she got there they were wheeling him out of his room and said they were on their way to ICU. I called her and she still wasn't sure what was going on so I got to the hospital as soon as I could and found him. When I walked in his room, he was as white as the bed he was laying on. He could barely speak or move. He looked at me and said hi. The first time I walked into the ICU and saw him for the first time after his accident, I stayed strong. I took his hand and kissed his head. I just smiled at him and waited to see what the doctors would say. This time, I couldn't do it anymore. I collapsed to the floor next to his bed and started sobbing. He didn't really react. He couldn't. He was fighting for his life.
His liver had started bleeding out. He had been in a regular room and the nurses didn't come to him fast enough when he called them saying he didn't feel good. By the time they came to him, they had to call the doctors in. He was crashing. His blood pressure was bottoming out. They gave him two full bags of fluid in 10 minutes to bring him back up. Normally one bag takes a few hours. They prepped him for emergency surgery right there in his room.
The rest of the afternoon he was in and out of consciousness. I was frantically calling people trying to find someone to take care of my grandmother. I had hired a service and they were terrible. They had left my grandmother by herself after my specific instructions not to. I had fired them and needed someone. I was in and out of his room checking on him, calling family and asking his brother to come back to help me, updating people and finding someone to take care of Sam. He was mostly only conscious when he was in pain. The first few hours were awful. His vitals were low. They were poking and probing him and he didn't even flinch. His boss stayed with me. She was amazing. She helped connect me to our personal family angel who now regularly helps with my grandmother. She missed her own appointment for her hurt back to stay with me. I can't tell you how grateful I am for his work family. There is no doubt in my mind that this is where he is supposed to be. Even when the visiting hours were over and I had to leave his room, another co-worker of his came and stayed with me the whole 3 hours until I could go back in. The doctors rounded while I was out of the room so when we could go back in, they updated us. He was in a lot of danger. The clot could get bigger and he could stop breathing, it could move to his brain and he could die, his liver could continue to bleed and at any moment start bleeding quickly and he would either die, or they would have to do emergency surgery that was extremely high risk and that could kill him. The next 12 hour were imperative to him staying stable. His vitals needed to stay stable so they could evaluate what exactly to do for him. I stayed awake that whole night watching him and his monitors. This is a really important part of the story for you to hear though. Being Believers doesn't disqualify us from hard times in life. It doesn't mean we don't face fears when things go wrong. We have peace about our future, but we still get angry and scared and confused. That night we got to talk a little and he shared with me that he wasn't afraid of dying. He knew he would be going to Heaven and he wasn't scared to die. He didn't want to leave Sam without a father and he didn't want to leave me to raise him alone. He was afraid for our futures, not his own. I was sitting there thinking the exact same thing. I wasn't afraid for him. I was afraid for myself and for Sam. I trusted God. I knew He was in control and that what His will for our lives was what would happen. But I didn't know what that was. I was afraid of the unknown.
Those twelve hours passed miraculously. His color returned in the morning. He actually rested a lot that night. He was talking more in the morning and more alert. That was one more of many miracles we had been given. By life's standards and by statistics, I should have lost him. He should have broken bones in his accident. He shouldn't have survived having a pulmonary embolism for several hours before being treated for it. He shouldn't have survived his liver bleeding for an hour while he was ignored. But our God is a good good Father and He saw us through. He gave us miracle after miracle. He kept the rest of our family safe while I was at the hospital. He kept me healthy through all the sleepless nights and bad food or lack of it and the stress. He brought the right people into our lives at the right time.
And then the next day, He gave us another miracle. I went home to change and get some things for Leslie. I went to the bathroom and peed on one of those change-your-life sticks, and sure enough - another miracle. I had a positive pregnancy test. I gasped. I couldn't believe it. We had been careful. I actually didn't want to be pregnant at this time. It's definitely not my timing. When you have faced miscarriage in your life, positive pregnancy tests don't equal immediate joy and partying. They bring fear and worry and guilt because you want to feel joy. But this time, that fear and worry was completely different. I wasn't worried about the baby. I was worried about a baby surviving and my husband not. I know that sounds awful. It's a terrible thing to look back on now, but I'm being honest. The next 24 hours I prayed and dwelt on His promises. I went back and forth about whether or not to tell him. I didn't want him to worry. But I knew he would be hurt and angry with me if I didn't tell him. So the next night, after he had stabilized and was able to eat again and felt better, I told him. His initial reaction was a big smiley "really?!". It was the perfect reaction. It filled me with that joy I needed. I knew in the midst of all we were going through, God was proving Himself and who He is. The emotions didn't last, they came and went. We still have ups and downs in this trial. But we are still seeing God's miracles and we are thankful for the testimony this trial has given us. Now that he is home and life is starting to feel normal again, I am nervous about this pregnancy, but I'm also thankful. I'm starting to get excited. I'm allowing myself to picture our future and what our family pictures will look like in a few months.
I will write more about this pregnancy soon, I just didn't want that to be the focus of this post. I wanted the focus to be that in the midst of chaos and hard times, Our Father is still in control. He knows what's happening and what our future holds. He gives us miracles and remains faithful. I wanted you to know that going through hard times and dealing with the emotions that come along with that doesn't mean you don't have faith. God created us with the emotions we have. Jesus got angry. It's what we do with those emotions. It's what's in our hearts. It's what you allow your heart to dwell on. Dwell on the Father. Dwell on his Word. Cry. Get angry. Be confused. Trust. Those all can be done at the same time in your heart. He understands. I understand. The most profound statement I made during that time was talking about sitting and talking with my husband thinking at any moment I could lose him. I didn't realize how profound of a statement that was when I said it, but I had a lot of reaction to it. Looking back, I do realize how crazy a statement that is! But it was true. It was reality. We were sitting waiting for something big to happen and earnestly praying it wouldn't. It was long and hard and scary. Never has Psalm 23 been so relateable to me. But we still had faith. That's the point I wanted to make.
We are not at the "The End" part of this story yet, but we will get there.
Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.
"How are you?"
"How have you been handling all this?"
"What has it been like going through all of this?"
If you had talked to me before the accident about what I thought it would be like or what I would do if this happened, I would have told you something different. I didn't expect to react the way I did or go through this the way I have. I'm sure that's true for most people who go through a crisis.
I'm normally a pretty stable person. When things get crazy, I get strong. I buckle down and handle things. I look at things logically and push the emotion aside. I'm morbidly realistic and have to remind myself to handle things with grace. All of that went out the window, for the most part. I've never faced a crisis with my husband. My best friend, the other half of me, my favorite person on the planet. The reality of having to face losing him, was almost unbearable. Actually I could call it unbearable. I didn't bear it well at all. I pushed everything down and didn't allow myself to feel or think about it. I forced myself to stay strong for him but when I wasn't in the room with him, I felt like a zombie. I couldn't sleep. I forced myself to eat. It warmed my heart to come home and have Sam be so excited to see me and give me a hug, but only briefly. I couldn't allow any feelings to happen because I knew I would fall apart. I felt stupid regularly because I would forget medical knowledge I knew and hated having to rely on the nurses to keep things straight for me. I hated every moment I had to walk out of his room. It was especially hard when I wasn't forced. I felt like I was betraying him.
It wasn't like that the whole time, but if you followed my updates, you saw the crazy roller coaster his time in the hospital was. It literally went from "Everything is great!" to "He almost died and still could....." on an all to regular basis. I couldn't celebrate the miracles that were happening because I was thinking ahead to the next down.
The worst 24 hours was February 25-26. He had gone back to the hospital after being home a couple days because a blood clot moved to his lungs. They had given him blood thinners and moved him from the ER to a regular room. Sam and I went and had breakfast with him and I went home to get things ready to bring him home. He had a team of doctors working on his case and they had an opportunity to talk to me and were confident in my ability to care for him at home. So I went home and cleaned and started taking care of things knowing I wanted to get ahead on some stuff so when he came home I'd be caught up for a few days. I got ready to go back in the afternoon to give him a shower. As I was getting in my car to leave, I got a text message from his boss. She was telling me she had gone to visit and when she got there they were wheeling him out of his room and said they were on their way to ICU. I called her and she still wasn't sure what was going on so I got to the hospital as soon as I could and found him. When I walked in his room, he was as white as the bed he was laying on. He could barely speak or move. He looked at me and said hi. The first time I walked into the ICU and saw him for the first time after his accident, I stayed strong. I took his hand and kissed his head. I just smiled at him and waited to see what the doctors would say. This time, I couldn't do it anymore. I collapsed to the floor next to his bed and started sobbing. He didn't really react. He couldn't. He was fighting for his life.
His liver had started bleeding out. He had been in a regular room and the nurses didn't come to him fast enough when he called them saying he didn't feel good. By the time they came to him, they had to call the doctors in. He was crashing. His blood pressure was bottoming out. They gave him two full bags of fluid in 10 minutes to bring him back up. Normally one bag takes a few hours. They prepped him for emergency surgery right there in his room.
The rest of the afternoon he was in and out of consciousness. I was frantically calling people trying to find someone to take care of my grandmother. I had hired a service and they were terrible. They had left my grandmother by herself after my specific instructions not to. I had fired them and needed someone. I was in and out of his room checking on him, calling family and asking his brother to come back to help me, updating people and finding someone to take care of Sam. He was mostly only conscious when he was in pain. The first few hours were awful. His vitals were low. They were poking and probing him and he didn't even flinch. His boss stayed with me. She was amazing. She helped connect me to our personal family angel who now regularly helps with my grandmother. She missed her own appointment for her hurt back to stay with me. I can't tell you how grateful I am for his work family. There is no doubt in my mind that this is where he is supposed to be. Even when the visiting hours were over and I had to leave his room, another co-worker of his came and stayed with me the whole 3 hours until I could go back in. The doctors rounded while I was out of the room so when we could go back in, they updated us. He was in a lot of danger. The clot could get bigger and he could stop breathing, it could move to his brain and he could die, his liver could continue to bleed and at any moment start bleeding quickly and he would either die, or they would have to do emergency surgery that was extremely high risk and that could kill him. The next 12 hour were imperative to him staying stable. His vitals needed to stay stable so they could evaluate what exactly to do for him. I stayed awake that whole night watching him and his monitors. This is a really important part of the story for you to hear though. Being Believers doesn't disqualify us from hard times in life. It doesn't mean we don't face fears when things go wrong. We have peace about our future, but we still get angry and scared and confused. That night we got to talk a little and he shared with me that he wasn't afraid of dying. He knew he would be going to Heaven and he wasn't scared to die. He didn't want to leave Sam without a father and he didn't want to leave me to raise him alone. He was afraid for our futures, not his own. I was sitting there thinking the exact same thing. I wasn't afraid for him. I was afraid for myself and for Sam. I trusted God. I knew He was in control and that what His will for our lives was what would happen. But I didn't know what that was. I was afraid of the unknown.
Those twelve hours passed miraculously. His color returned in the morning. He actually rested a lot that night. He was talking more in the morning and more alert. That was one more of many miracles we had been given. By life's standards and by statistics, I should have lost him. He should have broken bones in his accident. He shouldn't have survived having a pulmonary embolism for several hours before being treated for it. He shouldn't have survived his liver bleeding for an hour while he was ignored. But our God is a good good Father and He saw us through. He gave us miracle after miracle. He kept the rest of our family safe while I was at the hospital. He kept me healthy through all the sleepless nights and bad food or lack of it and the stress. He brought the right people into our lives at the right time.
And then the next day, He gave us another miracle. I went home to change and get some things for Leslie. I went to the bathroom and peed on one of those change-your-life sticks, and sure enough - another miracle. I had a positive pregnancy test. I gasped. I couldn't believe it. We had been careful. I actually didn't want to be pregnant at this time. It's definitely not my timing. When you have faced miscarriage in your life, positive pregnancy tests don't equal immediate joy and partying. They bring fear and worry and guilt because you want to feel joy. But this time, that fear and worry was completely different. I wasn't worried about the baby. I was worried about a baby surviving and my husband not. I know that sounds awful. It's a terrible thing to look back on now, but I'm being honest. The next 24 hours I prayed and dwelt on His promises. I went back and forth about whether or not to tell him. I didn't want him to worry. But I knew he would be hurt and angry with me if I didn't tell him. So the next night, after he had stabilized and was able to eat again and felt better, I told him. His initial reaction was a big smiley "really?!". It was the perfect reaction. It filled me with that joy I needed. I knew in the midst of all we were going through, God was proving Himself and who He is. The emotions didn't last, they came and went. We still have ups and downs in this trial. But we are still seeing God's miracles and we are thankful for the testimony this trial has given us. Now that he is home and life is starting to feel normal again, I am nervous about this pregnancy, but I'm also thankful. I'm starting to get excited. I'm allowing myself to picture our future and what our family pictures will look like in a few months.
I will write more about this pregnancy soon, I just didn't want that to be the focus of this post. I wanted the focus to be that in the midst of chaos and hard times, Our Father is still in control. He knows what's happening and what our future holds. He gives us miracles and remains faithful. I wanted you to know that going through hard times and dealing with the emotions that come along with that doesn't mean you don't have faith. God created us with the emotions we have. Jesus got angry. It's what we do with those emotions. It's what's in our hearts. It's what you allow your heart to dwell on. Dwell on the Father. Dwell on his Word. Cry. Get angry. Be confused. Trust. Those all can be done at the same time in your heart. He understands. I understand. The most profound statement I made during that time was talking about sitting and talking with my husband thinking at any moment I could lose him. I didn't realize how profound of a statement that was when I said it, but I had a lot of reaction to it. Looking back, I do realize how crazy a statement that is! But it was true. It was reality. We were sitting waiting for something big to happen and earnestly praying it wouldn't. It was long and hard and scary. Never has Psalm 23 been so relateable to me. But we still had faith. That's the point I wanted to make.
We are not at the "The End" part of this story yet, but we will get there.
Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.