Before you start to judge me, step into my shoes and walk the life I'm living, and if you get as far as I am, just maybe you will see how strong I really am.
Who decided the standard or rules or acceptable behavior for grief?
It's maddening really. Grief is hard. It is hard when your loss is something that nobody else could see. When life goes on around you and you have to face the anger and jealousy and pain. I don't feel justified in wanting life to stop and wait for me to catch up. And I also don't want to be left behind and find myself trying to feel "normal". The idea for this post began when I was explaining to my mom the shame I felt by the way I have been dealing with my grief. Not shame from myself but shame on what others would say or think. I have done some bizarre things. Things that I feel I will be judged for. Especially by people who have no idea how I feel because they have never been in my shoes. Isn't it annoying that the people who judge you the most harshly have never experienced what you are going through? How do you feel like an expert enough to tell me what I should do or that what I am doing is wrong?
The day I left the hospital, I still had to do my job of going to take care of my grandparents medications for the day and making sure the aides had come and attended to my grandmother and take out their trash and disinfect the toilet, etc. I also had to stop at a store and buy pads because I didn't have any more. So, I stopped at CVS. In "normal" life, I eat pretty healthy. Very healthy by the typical American standard. I eat a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables. I avoid overly processed foods and fast food. I eat as much fresh things as possible. I drink mainly water. Sometimes organic milk and even less sometimes 100% not from concentrate juice. If I indulge in a soda, I get soda made with only cane sugar, no high fructose corn syrup or artificial colors. So, when I found out I was pregnant, I didn't have to change much about my eating habits. Less coffee, more calcium. I craved raw broccoli and couldn't handle avocados (a favorite of mine). So, when those lifestyle choices did nothing to help me save my baby, I rebelled. I was walking through the aisles and trying not to cry as I pulled the pads off the shelf, I saw all the foods I normally avoid. Especially candy and I decided, screw it. I never ever eat this junk, but it was all I wanted. I loaded my basket with candy that had artificial colors and corn syrup and cookies with wheat and even a 2 liter of dr pepper. I was mad. Mad that I who am always healthy and never indulge in these foods, still couldn't keep a baby healthy and alive. So, a couple nights later, I ate sooo much of that candy and drank a lot of that soda. And I laughed. I watched Parks and Rec and got a sugar high and giggled. It felt good in the moment. Then, when I laid my head down on my pillow to go to sleep an hour or so later, A wave of grief washed over me. I couldn't contain the sobs. The kind that shake your whole body uncontrollably.
I am still worried by what someone will think of this behavior. And I'm not. Because I know what is in my heart.
Restoring my Joy is my goal right now. It's easier this time a round in a way because this time I have a son. I have a reminder of God's miracle in my life. Even more so now. I didn't think I would suffer through a miscarriage again. I thought because I finally had a healthy pregnancy and baby, that it wouldn't happen again. So, now I'm realizing that he is even more of a miracle than I realized. I have gratitude. This doesn't take the place of the pain and sorrow, but it's present at the same time, so it makes it a little bit more bearable.
Who decided the standard or rules or acceptable behavior for grief?
It's maddening really. Grief is hard. It is hard when your loss is something that nobody else could see. When life goes on around you and you have to face the anger and jealousy and pain. I don't feel justified in wanting life to stop and wait for me to catch up. And I also don't want to be left behind and find myself trying to feel "normal". The idea for this post began when I was explaining to my mom the shame I felt by the way I have been dealing with my grief. Not shame from myself but shame on what others would say or think. I have done some bizarre things. Things that I feel I will be judged for. Especially by people who have no idea how I feel because they have never been in my shoes. Isn't it annoying that the people who judge you the most harshly have never experienced what you are going through? How do you feel like an expert enough to tell me what I should do or that what I am doing is wrong?
The day I left the hospital, I still had to do my job of going to take care of my grandparents medications for the day and making sure the aides had come and attended to my grandmother and take out their trash and disinfect the toilet, etc. I also had to stop at a store and buy pads because I didn't have any more. So, I stopped at CVS. In "normal" life, I eat pretty healthy. Very healthy by the typical American standard. I eat a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables. I avoid overly processed foods and fast food. I eat as much fresh things as possible. I drink mainly water. Sometimes organic milk and even less sometimes 100% not from concentrate juice. If I indulge in a soda, I get soda made with only cane sugar, no high fructose corn syrup or artificial colors. So, when I found out I was pregnant, I didn't have to change much about my eating habits. Less coffee, more calcium. I craved raw broccoli and couldn't handle avocados (a favorite of mine). So, when those lifestyle choices did nothing to help me save my baby, I rebelled. I was walking through the aisles and trying not to cry as I pulled the pads off the shelf, I saw all the foods I normally avoid. Especially candy and I decided, screw it. I never ever eat this junk, but it was all I wanted. I loaded my basket with candy that had artificial colors and corn syrup and cookies with wheat and even a 2 liter of dr pepper. I was mad. Mad that I who am always healthy and never indulge in these foods, still couldn't keep a baby healthy and alive. So, a couple nights later, I ate sooo much of that candy and drank a lot of that soda. And I laughed. I watched Parks and Rec and got a sugar high and giggled. It felt good in the moment. Then, when I laid my head down on my pillow to go to sleep an hour or so later, A wave of grief washed over me. I couldn't contain the sobs. The kind that shake your whole body uncontrollably.
I am still worried by what someone will think of this behavior. And I'm not. Because I know what is in my heart.
Restoring my Joy is my goal right now. It's easier this time a round in a way because this time I have a son. I have a reminder of God's miracle in my life. Even more so now. I didn't think I would suffer through a miscarriage again. I thought because I finally had a healthy pregnancy and baby, that it wouldn't happen again. So, now I'm realizing that he is even more of a miracle than I realized. I have gratitude. This doesn't take the place of the pain and sorrow, but it's present at the same time, so it makes it a little bit more bearable.