Every Pregnancy is different, as is every miscarriage. I have now had four miscarriages. The first one, is a long story. The second one I was still a newlywed and we were going through some difficult growing times. I had already had two doctors tell me I probably wouldn't be able to get pregnant and I wasn't really ready to have a baby yet. The third was very difficult. My husband and I were in a wonderful place in our marriage and we were surrounded by family. We got to see an ultrasound and excitedly announced it to our world. It was devastating. I personally went through a terrible time of hating myself. I actually was thinking of ways to make my husband leave me so that he could find a better wife, someone who could give him children. He grieved with me at first, but life moved on for him pretty quick. Please don't think harshly of him. Men deal with grief differently than women. Because of the horrible place I allowed myself to go, I grieved much longer and harder. At the time, I was resentful of him for that. I felt like he didn't care about losing our baby anymore. I felt responsible. I hated my body and myself. It took me a lot of time, prayer and serious soul searching to pull myself out of the darkness. I finally understood what it was to be wrapped up in my Father's arms after that though. I knew the power of Healing. I knew true Joy. The decision of confidence and hope, regardless of my emotional state.
My latest miscarriage was very difficult too. I have had a successful, healthy pregnancy. I didn't think I would miscarry again. I thought that was a closed chapter in my life. My husband has grieved hard right along with me this time. He stated it perfectly, we are grieving the shadow of a life we didn't know for sure we wanted until we had it. We were soooo excited! We had a huge surprise reveal with the family, took some awesome announcement pictures and I even took some cute belly shot pictures!
Our grief doesn't take away the gratefulness we have for our son, in fact it has shown us just how much of a miracle he is.
We are in a wonderful place spiritually and in our marriage this time around. We communicate better than we ever have so that has made being real with each other easier. But the pain is rough. It isn't constant. Life has this annoying habit of forcing you to keep living it even when you don't want to. The pain is dull at most times, then it suddenly and harshly slaps you in the face. You feel this intense pain and hurt being reminded of what you have lost, then life keeps going again. Healing means that this pain becomes less and less incapacitating. It doesn't ever mean it goes away. There is always pain and hurt, but we keep going because we have Love and Joy in our lives too.
We don't know if we will "try again". It's hard and scary to think about being pregnant again. I'm still seeing my doctor for "miscarriage follow-up" and we are still looking for answers. We are praying God will show us His plan.
I don't regret being public with my miscarriages. I have had so many woman reach out to me and share their stories with me. It is so much more common than most people realize. I am thankful that sharing my story has helped other woman through theirs. I hope that continues. If you have suffered the loss of a child, please know that I pray for you. I pray for your healing. I pray God would make Himself known to you and I pray that you will find your Joy restored.
Much Love
My latest miscarriage was very difficult too. I have had a successful, healthy pregnancy. I didn't think I would miscarry again. I thought that was a closed chapter in my life. My husband has grieved hard right along with me this time. He stated it perfectly, we are grieving the shadow of a life we didn't know for sure we wanted until we had it. We were soooo excited! We had a huge surprise reveal with the family, took some awesome announcement pictures and I even took some cute belly shot pictures!
Our grief doesn't take away the gratefulness we have for our son, in fact it has shown us just how much of a miracle he is.
We are in a wonderful place spiritually and in our marriage this time around. We communicate better than we ever have so that has made being real with each other easier. But the pain is rough. It isn't constant. Life has this annoying habit of forcing you to keep living it even when you don't want to. The pain is dull at most times, then it suddenly and harshly slaps you in the face. You feel this intense pain and hurt being reminded of what you have lost, then life keeps going again. Healing means that this pain becomes less and less incapacitating. It doesn't ever mean it goes away. There is always pain and hurt, but we keep going because we have Love and Joy in our lives too.
We don't know if we will "try again". It's hard and scary to think about being pregnant again. I'm still seeing my doctor for "miscarriage follow-up" and we are still looking for answers. We are praying God will show us His plan.
I don't regret being public with my miscarriages. I have had so many woman reach out to me and share their stories with me. It is so much more common than most people realize. I am thankful that sharing my story has helped other woman through theirs. I hope that continues. If you have suffered the loss of a child, please know that I pray for you. I pray for your healing. I pray God would make Himself known to you and I pray that you will find your Joy restored.
Much Love